this whole thing has gone too far…i need to be able to tell him how i feel. but how do you just say “oh, hey, i like you” to someone that you’ve only spoken with a handful of times about books and assignments and other trivial matters. i wish that i could just gain some form of confidence to speak to him. not necessarily infringe upon his life by telling him i like him. i don’t expect anything to actually result from this all. it’s just these feelings are unavoidable. infatuation often is. he’s just too perfect to walk away from. i really wish i were more interesting, or maybe it’s that i need to be less obnoxious. i feel so obnoxious when i’m around him, overly so. like i exert too much energy into trying to impress him or make him notice me. i don’t want to be noticed for being annoying. i want to be noticed because he wants to notice me. i keep daydreaming that something will happen, that some day some time our eyes will lock-like that magical moment in movies-our eyes will lock and he’ll smile and i’ll blush and then we’ll both know…and something will result. perhaps i dream too big of dreams. maybe i should just focus on other things, more important than a boy that i barely know. i just can’t stop thinking about him. his eyes…they’re such a gorgeous blue-green. i came across a background for my iPod the other day, one that says “never give up on something you can’t go a day without thinking about”. i’m wondering if i should take that advice and pursue this pipe dream, if i should take a chance, get to know him, and try to see if there could ever be anything there….i guess i won’t know until i try.
but i’m so utterly frightened of being turned down i don’t think i could ever find it within myself to tell him how i really feel…even if i do befriend him beyond the casual conversation. i hate how easy it is for some people to take that chance because they know they can get whatever and whoever they want. i don’t know that i can do that. i keep convincing myself the exact opposite, in fact. i’m not his type, he could never feel for me as i do for him, i’m just too ordinary. or maybe i’m too eccentric. i’m not pretty enough, at any rate. i’m setting myself up for the disappointment that i know will come, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it will hurt me any less. i just am at my wit’s end with this, i’m afraid to say anything, but i’m afraid if i don’t say anything, i’ll drive myself crazy holding it in all the time. what else am i supposed to do though? it seems that i only have two choices and i’m at a loss of which path to take.