tornj (not a typo)

i close my eyes softly, hoping to blow away with the wind, but you’re still there when i open them again, facing me with the same harsh reality. i have to decide, i have to do it now, do i reach out and touch you, or turn and walk away? the great pretender, walking away from someone i love, pretending not to care. i start to reach out, but something in your oceanic eyes distracts me. i pause. what happens should you pull away from me? what if my hand never reaches that far? i don’t know how you feel about me, i only know that i love you. what if i’m fooling myself? but isn’t that why i need to touch you? testing the grounds. testing to see if they’re steady, or how fast i’ll sink. it’s dangerous, this game. i close my eyes again to hear “are you okay?” your voice washes over me like a beach breeze. i open my eyes and assure you i’m fine, but i feel myself slipping, falling now. i reach out for stability, but your hands find me first. holding fast and strong, you catch me. you set me down gently, wipe a strand of hair from my eyes. i see you reach for your bag, rooting around like a stray dog searching for table scraps. you offer me up a baggy of potato chips, left overs from your lunch. “eat,” you say. i calmly reach for it and meekly remove one chip. “you need strength.” i place the chip where you urged me to, knowing my weakness wasn’t caused by my lack of food. my weakness was caused by your eyes. the ocean i was drowning in, gasping for air. it was nice though, now i know you care. you smile at me and i realize i had been grinning at you. i look down at my hands, playing with my nails. i see your hand reach for mine to calm my picking habit. i look up and you’re right there. so close. closer than you’ve ever been before. i’m shaking. you notice. you put your arm around me. another of your misconceptions. i’m not cold, i’m in love. in love with my best friend.

i wonder if you feel the same.


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