i hate myself for feeling this way….

i just realized how much shit i actually did for you. shit that you weren’t expecting because i was that much in love with you. i just wanted to make you happy. i’m sorry i didn’t know how. but i damn well tried. i did everything i possibly could to try to make you happy and i never succeeded. so i guess i just gave up. it was easier to argue with you than it was to try and fail to make you happy time and time again. it was easier to make you hurt and angry because you were already hurt and angry all the time. i’m sorry it’s so hard for you to realize your true potential and see in yourself what i saw; a kind, decent, human being who was worth every second of my time and every penny in my wallet that i ever devoted to you. i wish that you believed me every time i told you you were a good person. i wish that you believed in yourself enough to realize that you do deserve to be happy. i wish that you had let me make you happy instead of always pushing me away and saying how awful you were whenever i did nice things for you because you never felt like you deserved them. but you did. because i loved you. i loved you with every fiber in my being. i loved you with everything i had to love you with. but that still wasn’t enough for you. i guess you never really believed that you could obtain someone like me. you never knew how you did it. i’ll tell you now, you did it not by your looks nor your charm, it was by your heart. by your mind. by your personality that is, more often than not, fantastic. maybe you figured out that i’m not as great as you initially thought. maybe you didn’t see the same person in me that you saw when you initially wondered how you got me. you saw me as beautiful even when i didn’t and you even made me believe that i was. you loved me when i didn’t love myself. you saw who i was, and you made me see who i was. i’m just sorry that i couldn’t have done the same for you.
if our paths were to cross somewhere down the road, just do me a favor and smile at me. it doesn’t have to be like you used to, i’m not dumb enough to believe that you will ever smile at me that way again, it just has to be a smile. like you’re happy for me, and i’ll smile back like i’m happy for you. because i am. i could never not be happy for you if you’re doing what makes you happy. i will never stop caring about you. because once you love someone as much as i loved you, it never fully goes away. there’s always going to be that sharp pang in my chest when i see you or hear your name. my heart will always want to race when i look at you, but i won’t let it. i’ll have to keep it on a tight leash whenever you’re around from now on. i don’t think i’ll ever love someone that much again. but you’re not the same person you were then. you don’t need me anymore, and perhaps…well, perhaps you never did.


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