just a letter
dear you should know who you are,
there’s a part of me that would like the chance to make things right between us, but there’s a part of me that’s completely okay with the way things turned out. i’m content to know that i’ll never speak to you again, i’m irked by the fact that i’ll probably be seeing you around. the last time i saw you, i wasn’t even upset with you anymore. the last time i saw you, i was totally okay. there were bodies between us and your back was turned, you didn’t even notice me. you were oblivious to the fact that my friends and i were standing a mere yard behind you. yet when my back was to you, you took advantage. that’s when i got angry. and i wouldn’t have been angry if it had been anyone else. if it had been a total stranger, or someone i had been there with just messing around, it’s the fact that it was you that made me angry. you can claim all you want that it was accidental, but there’s no part of me that believes you. i’m certain that you’ve lied to me before, so i don’t have any reasons to believe you now. the mere fact that you would go so utterly out of your way to explain your actions to me makes me think it was no accident; that perhaps you felt guilty and therefore defensive. why would you care if i think you did something purposefully any how? i’m fairly convinced it’s been your goal for a long time now to make me hate you. i can honestly say that that goal will never succeed. no matter how many times the words “i hate you” have escaped my lips, there’s never an ounce of truth to them. it’s a gut reaction, those words. i could say, “i hate him” or “i hate her” or “i hate this” about anyone or anything, but very rarely do i mean it. after everything we went through together, and even afterward, everything you put me through emotionally, i still don’t hate you. i dislike some of your decisions and actions, but i don’t hate you. i was honest when i said that i could never hate you no matter what happened. i guess that’s one of many differences between the two of us. i meant every word i ever said and i would never go back on them or deny that they were true. i will never be able to say that i never cared about you. i will never be able to say that i never loved you. because i did, and i do. in a different way now than before, obviously. but i still have a deep concern for you and your future and for your happiness. my mind tells me that i shouldn’t, but my heart tends to disagree. maybe it’s a good thing that i can’t pretend to hate you. i only wish that there weren’t so many terrible memories of your words and actions. i only wish you’d left me with something better than to ask someone to ask me never to text you again. and then you texted me a few days later, which, by the way, i found to be completely absurd. that’s beside the point. i suppose all i really mean to say is exactly how i started out, part of me wishes things could be different or at least made to be tolerable instead of having so much unresolved tension and anger and sadness between us. and although we don’t speak anymore, it would be nice to know that i would have the ability to be comfortable sitting in the same room as you, no matter how many feet away from each other we are. you’re too unpredictable for me to have any level of comfort around you, especially after the way things were left between us. but i know you have no desire to make things right, so i’m content with how things are. or at least i’m getting there.