i fear it’s been too long
it’s been awhile since i’ve last written anything on here. i guess a quick update of my current thoughts would be in order, but as many of my thoughts are fleeting, i can’t quite keep up.
my favorite songs currently are touched by an angel by stevie nicks and running up that hill (a deal with god) by kate bush. the latter being a more cliche choice as it was one of her big hits, but rightfully so.
i don’t really think much of my ex anymore. i’ll have a thought here and there merely because something tangible reminds me of him. it’s nice to be more free in that regard. though i do find myself often wishing that i hadn’t gifted the adam vass painting to my ex as i never even got the opportunity to see it in person. i have a feeling that will long be one of my bigger regrets from adolescent life. i should have known better, but there’s nothing i can do about it now. it’s as if we never knew each other. and looking back i can say that i wish that were the case, it would have saved a lot of heartache in the long run. but i think there’s a reason behind every heartache, strange as it may be.
i do joke with my friends quite a bit about not understanding how i’m single. last night i told my friend hayley that pretty girls should not be able to have their hearts broken but rather that they should be the ones to break hearts. funny how it’s so rarely worked out that way for me, it makes me doubt myself in terms of looks although i’ve had countless people tell me how beautiful/pretty i am. i wonder if maybe they need glasses. then again, grainy fuzzy images never look that pretty to me when i’m not wearing my eyeballs…my self esteem is rather low. lower than i remember it ever being before. maybe nick was right, maybe i am too self defeating. or maybe he was just using one of his psychological mind games as he admitted to me he was attempting to do….how the hell did i ever trust anyone after him? how am i going to trust anyone after michael? that question has yet to be determined. i find myself even distrusting friends i’ve had since middle school at this point. that’s on rare occasions though, but it has happened. it seems vastly unfair that one person can screw with another’s head to such an extreme degree. i sometimes find myself wondering if how i’ve felt the past five months is how i made evan feel after breaking up with him for andrew. granted the situations were different. i made evan aware of the fact that i was developing feelings for andrew a week prior to breaking up with him, michael made me aware of the fact that he was dating mckenna three weeks after breaking up with me. i still don’t know which is worse- knowing that your relationship is going to end before it even does due to another, or thinking there’s a chance only to find out that the entire time you thought there was there was already someone else. i can’t say whether one is worse than the other. maybe they’re equal, but they just hurt in different ways. i’ve somehow convinced myself that i deserved this, that i had it coming to me. it’s karma. it has to be.
at least once every day i wonder if anyone will ever be capable of loving me ever again. at least once every day i wonder if anyone ever did truly love me. or if i ever truly loved anyone. maybe i still don’t know what love is. maybe i’m destined to screw up every relationship i ever have in one way or another. i feel like i’ve been screwing up my friendships of late as well. i feel like no one makes an effort enough to be in my life. maybe they’re tired of my depressed attitude. maybe they’re tired of me in general. is it possible to outgrow friends at this stage in life? is that what’s happened? everyone is beginning to outgrow me? i’d like to know, really i would. but i can’t just ask everyone in a facebook status or mass text if they still enjoy me as a person. how silly would that be, “like this status if you think you’d enjoy being around me.” that’s ridiculous. utterly so.
i feel i’ve typed enough trivial self-hating thoughts that no one will likely take the time to read for now. i’m losing interest in myself. it’s tragic.