today sucked…

i had a mental break down over some stupid shit. i really don’t even know what it was about. i was just completely pissed off with humanity today and fed up with everything. and nothing that happened today made my mood any better. i went to get dinner and wanted to punch everyone in the face while i stood in the queue waiting to get my food. and before that i got on the elevator and wasn’t really paying attention to the doors or the floor numbers or anything and some girl got on on one floor and the two people who got on on my floor were going to basement and i was going to one…so i just sort of usually use other people exiting the elevator as a usual sign of “hey, you should leave now too.” but since they weren’t getting off, i didn’t notice right away. so when i noticed i was like, “OH!” and walked off the elevator and the two girls just started fucking laughing at me. that’s not cool. you can’t tell me that you’ve never fucking done anything similar to that. i just…ugh. fucking humanity. fucking bitches. this place is a toxic butthole and i don’t even want to be here anymore. and really i think that when i say “this place” i don’t just mean university, i mean the whole of the earth. or at least the whole of indiana. i just fucking want to leave and never come back. i hate life. and i hate myself. and i came back from getting food and i was just so royally upset with everything that all i could do was sit on my bed and cry and cry and cry and i didn’t even touch my food for a good half an hour after i got it….i just couldn’t even think about eating because i was so utterly frustrated with everything. and i have so much bullshit homework to do and i don’t even know how to do one of the assignments. and i guess it’s not really all that much homework. just reading and response for religious studies, reading for creative writing (i’ll probably just print that and read it in religious studies tomorrow….i do that sometimes), and some weird fucking assignment in english. i honestly don’t even know exactly what he wants us to do. some sort of analysis of an essay i guess. i’m just so sick of working my butt off and knowing that i probably won’t even have any sense of job security once i graduate this tainted ball sack of a university. *sigh* if i graduate, that is. i told aubrey earlier that the only reason i’m still here and haven’t dropped out yet is because i know i’d just be disappointing everyone (mostly my parents, who both dropped out of college. mom with only one semester under her belt, dad with only one semester yet to complete) so that’s just…yeah. i honestly don’t even have any desire to be here. i don’t know what i want to do with my life anymore. i don’t even know if i want to have a life. i just…i’ve contemplated ending it so often that it’s becoming a feasible option. certainly more so than continuing to live a life where i have no fucking clue what in fuck’s name i am doing. at this point i’m starting to think there are two options for my future a) homicide b) suicide. AND I WANT TO BE A TEACHER. HA. don’t they make you take some sort of mental stability tests for such an occupation? you know, just to make sure you don’t go completely crazy and murder all your students? then again…all english teachers are crazy. maybe i’d fit in….

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