unhappiness consumes me

i don’t remember when i started being unhappy. i don’t really know if i ever was happy at all. my parents were divorced before i was two and they argued a lot whenever they saw each other, and my earliest memory involves me crying and begging them to stop yelling at each other. i was six. my unhappiness stems from a dark place of hurtful memories. a lot of it had to do with the way my mother treated me and how i was bullied and disliked in school. the girls who were my “friends” would make fun of me behind my back, even. i was the weird girl. so i guess that being the weird girl and being the below average looking girl in my adolescence makes it hard for me to accept that i could be the “pretty” girl now. in fourth grade, a girl who i was “friends” with gave the guy i had a crush on ten of what we called “Messer Bucks” (because our teacher’s name was Mrs. Messer) to ask me out. whatever that means in fourth grade, i don’t know. but he did, and then i found that out, and it was awful. i think that’s the first time i was keenly aware of how unliked i was. in middle school, sixth grade, someone wrote in the bathroom stall, “Lauryn is a slut.” i think it was because i had worn my mom’s high-heeled boots to school one day. but, you know, when you’re twelve…you don’t really know that that’s going to be frowned upon. i just thought that they were cool, so i wore them. sophomore year my boyfriend of ten months broke up with me without ever having so much as kissed me. he then played some serious manipulative mind games and so after we had broken up we hung out and…things happened. nothing too serious, but i still never kissed him. and as i was unclothed in front of him, he told me i should start to watch my weight and i should lose at least ten pounds…. i guess i’ve just never felt truly accepted by anyone, and that has had a HUGE impact on my self-esteem.

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