discovering “home”

i’ve lost a sense of “home” in this town. the only thing tying me here anymore is my family, and even with them i feel displaced. those whom i once dared to call friends have gone their own ways and i have gone mine. they stayed to go to a local college and i left for a state university. it’s my second summer “home” since, and nothing’s gotten better, it’s only gotten worse. i can’t call this town “home” anymore because it doesn’t feel comfortable like it used to. i feel displaced, passing through the motions, doing what it takes to get me by. i have one month left of this summer until i go back to school, one month left to waste in a place that feels foreign when i’ve lived here all my life. then i get to go somewhere that’s not quite “home” either, but it’s the closest thing to it. they say “home is where the heart is” and if that’s true, then my home is with you, wherever you are.

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a journey to self realisation

once i thought i would be an incredible teacher, that i was destined to mold young minds into lovers of words as my english teachers had done for me. however, that path turned out to be a nightmare and an almost disaster, so i changed my major to what i love, english with a concentration in creative writing, unaware of what such a degree could do for me. ideally, as i tell people often when they ask, “what do you want to do with that?”, ideally i would love to write volumes of poetry. ideally i would want to be, not the next patti smith, nor the next sylvia plath, but the first me in a line of poetic predecessors who never had what i have nor have i what they had/have. otherwise, i say, i will work in a library. i would by lying if i told you i’ve been saying so for very long, for it was only recently that i made the decision to work around books for a living. it seems a humble position, yet a magical prospect all at once. i would also be lying if i said the decision wasn’t at least slightly influenced by the stern-faced yet beautiful librarian/piano teacher who learned to have fun from a con man in The Music Man, Marian the Librarian as portrayed by Shirley Jones.

Imagewhether this be the final path i take or there’s a fork in the road somewhere, i’m fairly content with my current choice as i am following my passion.

you get what you need

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phrases like this irritate me because shouldn’t we all know that “you can’t always get what you want”? quotes such as the above pictured quote would lead people to believe that anything is possible, but the truth of the matter is that life will often put up roadblocks impossible to maneuver. not everything is possible, not everything is attainable. i want to be a cat, but that will never ever happen due to biological and scientific impossibilities. that boy or girl you like won’t always like you back, and bad things happen when you try to force them to. i’m going to stick to my Rolling Stones logic, “you can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes then you just might find you get what you need.”

the worst feeling

i believe the worst feeling i have ever personally experienced is when i can feel a panic attack coming on and i’m powerless to stop it. the anxious feeling creeps up and i know, i can feel, that i’m going to panic, but all i can do is wait for it to come on. all i can do is wait for it to engulf me and then wait for it to pass. it’s a horrid feeling.

20 Fantastic Doctor Who Quotes

saw these quotes on paste magazine and couldn’t pass up blogging them for myself!

1. Miracles
“The universe is big. It’s vast and complicated and ridiculous. And sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles.”
— The Doctor, Season 5, Episode 12

2. Books are the Best Weapons
“You want weapons? We’re in a library! Books! The best weapons in the world!”
— The Doctor, Season 2, Episode 2

3. Madman
“Amy Pond, there’s something you’d better understand about me ‘cause it’s important, and one day your life may depend on it: I am definitely a mad man with a box!” 
— The Doctor, Season 5, Episode 1.

4. Better Than You Think
“When you’re a kid, they tell you it’s all… Grow up, get a job, get married, get a house, have a kid, and that’s it. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It’s so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better.”
— Elton Pope, Season 2, Episode 10.

5. Good and Bad
“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.” 
— The Doctor, Season 5, Episode 10

6. It’s the Person
“Some people live more in 20 years than others do in 80. It’s not the time that matters, it’s the person.”
— The Doctor, Season 3, Episode 6

7. Pretend It’s a Plan
“Do what I do. Hold tight and pretend it’s a plan!” 
—The Doctor, Season 7, Christmas Special

8. Important
“In 900 years of time and space, I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important”
— The Doctor, Season 6, Christmas Special

9. Slapped
“900 years of time and space, and I’ve never been slapped by someone’s mother.”
—The Doctor, Season 1, Episode 4

10. Coincidence
“Never ignore coincidence. Unless, of course, you’re busy. In which case, always ignore coincidence.”
— The Doctor, Season 5, Episode 12

11. A Hand to Hold
“There’s a lot of things you need to get across this universe. Warp drive… wormhole refractors… You know the thing you need most of all? You need a hand to hold.”
— The Doctor, Season 6, Episode 6

12. Here I am Right Now
“This is who I am, right here, right now, all right? All that counts is here and now, and this is me!”
— The Doctor, Season 1, Episode 2

13. Optimist
“I am and always will be the optimist. The hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of improbable dreams.”
— The Doctor, Season 6, Episode 6

14. Some Days Are Special
“Everybody knows that everybody dies. But not every day. Not today. Some days are special. Some days are so, so blessed. Some days, nobody dies at all. Now and then, every once in a very long while, every day in a million days, when the wind stands fair and the Doctor comes to call, everybody lives.” 
— River Song, Season 4, Episode 9

15. We’re All Stories
“We’re all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?”
— The Doctor, Season 5, Episode 13

16. Be Alive
“Letting it get to you. You know what that’s called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now is all that counts.” 
— The Doctor, Season 6, Episode 4

17. Bring This to a Party
“Always take a banana to a party, Rose: bananas are good!”
— The Doctor, Season 2, Episode 4

18. Don’t Give Up
“You don’t just give up. You don’t just let things happen. You make a stand! You say no! You have the guts to do what’s right, even when everyone else just runs away.”
— Rose Tyler, Season 1, Episode 13

19. So Much to See
“This is one corner… of one country, in one continent, on one planet that’s a corner of a galaxy that’s a corner of a universe that is forever growing and shrinking and creating and destroying and never remaining the same for a single millisecond. And there is so much, so much to see.”
— The Doctor, Season 7, Episode 4

20. We Were Fantastic
“Rose, before I go, I just want to tell you: you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I.”
— The Doctor, Season 1, Episode 13

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i made some things

my boyfriend and i are approaching six months of dating and i wanted to do something meaningful. i had some leftover fabric and stuffing from a pillow project i did a long time ago, and we both love cats, so i decided to make some cat stuffed animals. they’re sort of in the style of ugly dolls, but with some personal touches/changes. i made my own pattern using newspaper and then went through the motions. they were really easy to make as well! i’m pretty satisfied with them although i have very little sewing skill.

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materials used

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Mooseberry Falls

So awhile back my boyfriend told me his brother lived in Mooseberry Falls, Minnesota and I was talking to my grandma about his family and she asked where his brother lived, so I told her Mooseberry Falls, Minnesota. We looked for it on a map, to no avail. This is due to the fact that it’s not a real town. What it is is this: the fictional town of Rocky and Bullwinkle is Frostbite Falls, home of the only Mooseberry bush in the world. My boyfriend and his sister combined the two into Mooseberry Falls and tell everyone their brother lives there and that he has a lot of moose friends. I told my boyfriend that I told my grandma his brother lives in Mooseberry Falls and he laughed and explained this information to me. He still laughs about it whenever it’s brought up. He also told me to never tell my grandma that it’s not a real place. His brother actually lives in Minneapolis.

my mother’s love was squandered

yesterday while playing every enya song on my itunes (admittedly, not all that many tracks as i unfortunately lost quite a bit of my music and keep failing to recover my enya files), i found myself ridden with thoughts and then with tears. to explain precisely why might take a novel, as there are many tiny reasons that trickle into the broad statement i’m about to make. the reason being, my mother never acted like a mom to me. how this connects to enya is fairly simple, my mother loves enya. another woman in my life who loves enya is the mother of my boyfriend, who has a daughter, age 18, and has a wonderful bond with her that i have, unfortunately, only ever dreamed of having with any woman 20-30 years my senior. it’s the heartbreaking truth of my childhood that no matter what my mother does now, those formative years of our relationship will never be made up for. she could sob and apologize profusely, in fact, she has, and i will never have a bond with her as my boyfriend’s mother with her daughter. the experience of a mother’s unconditional love and support, comforting words and actions, and generally just being there no matter what i will never regain or experience, and it pains me to see it with others. it’s a strange jealousy triggered by memories of laying in my bed at night and praying i had been adopted, dreaming about what it would be like to have a mother who truly cared, and waiting for my daddy to come and ‘save me’. a jealousy nurtured by the fact that forgiveness is possible, but forgetting is not; and while it’s wholly possible to become the person you wish you had always been, it is not possible to become the mother you wish you had always been, because there are years there that can never be taken back nor erased.

marked

i have scars on my skin from where i used to play tic tac toe in my own blood. they are small and white, but i know they’re there. i have scars deep and pink from last october when everything seemed hopeless. everyone can see them. short bursts of self hate on my arm, long sighs of “just give up already” on my legs. i used to hide them. i used to cover every inch of my body in fabric and pray my sleeve would stay down. i used to wear bermuda shorts on the beach so my family wouldn’t know. i used to cloak myself in clothing and cry whenever i remembered why they were there. i don’t hide anymore, but i hide my reasons. i’m asked more often than i’d like to be asked where they came from, what was the cause? i push the answer away and wave it off like it’s no big thing. the scars are my friends. they just appeared one day. i don’t worry about them so much. the truth hides behind excuses and danced around words. i hated myself so much i had to hurt myself. i felt worthless so i wanted to bleed. at one time i felt everything would get better if i could only get deeper and cut away the bad parts of me, the parts that drove everyone i got close to away. the truth is, the bad parts are still there, but i’ve found some self control, some stable ground, and i keep going. but it gets me down when people ask how my scars came to be. it gets me upset with myself. the strangest part is that i hate them so much, i want to give myself more.

the other part of me wants to cover them with art. ink them over so they’ll show no more. show my pleas for a better life in a different way. both are permanent, so why not go with the beautiful option?

oh, but my scars are beautiful too.

i’m an inverse Peter Pan, i want to grow up

i have the desire to grow up too fast. to make rash decisions. to be on my own. to be an adult. i envisioned myself being so much more together by twenty-one when i was younger. you know when you’re eleven and the teachers ask you where you see yourself in ten years? and at eleven you think ten years is so much longer than it is? when you’re that young, you see time differently. ten years seems like forever away, you want to be out of your parents house, living independently, with a good paying job. at eleven you think that in ten years you’ll be married. the reality is incredibly different. in the US, the average age for first marriages is 28.9 years for men and 26.9 years for women (2011). maybe if i’d known that at eleven, i wouldn’t feel like i haven’t reached my goals today. of course, when i was eleven i saw myself becoming a famous singer. i wanted to be like the women i idolized at that age. i wanted to be Debbie Harry, Britney Spears, or be on Broadway in my favorite musical of the time, Cats. i wanted to be Madonna in Evita, Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. i wanted to be famous for my voice. reality isn’t so real at eleven, and once you’re older, you have different dreams. some may be the same, like the desire for a job with a decent pay check, but others become unreachable. ten years have passed, and i see things how they are and wish i could stop pretending to myself and others that i’m grown up. i’m not. none of us are as grown up as we wanted to be when we were eleven years old with the world at our fingertips.